Cheko.Ripper™

Sometimes your heart is hit hard and you have that moment, do you just sit and endure the pain or do you try and do something? Then, when you try to move you kind of just can’t. So you sit there. You think about it. You need to do something, need to get up and get out but don’t wanna move. Need to speak up and shout something but can’t really get up and do it. Kind of want to just let the world know “HEYYYYYYYYYY!!! I’M HERE!!!!! I’M HURT!!!!!!!!!!” but feels like maybe it just won’t be heard or maybe not heard by the right people.  

We have expectations. Our great family members will respond. They will get it. They will understand right? Our best friends will come around and say “hey whats wrong?” and we’ll speak it out and they’ll get it and we’ll feel better right? And sometimes we just don’t give a fuck. We’ll just sit and let it eat inside. The frustration is there, the anger is there, but what can really be done? You wanna prove to the one you love or the ones you love how powerful you are, how strong you are, how you can change the world with the power of your mind and the power of your spirit, but somehow you also feel like you might not. You might fall short, you might not do it or maybe you just don’t care.

Is it a moment? My sisters are the greatest I swear. Anytime I’m freakin’ out about something like if I’m really sick or really hurt or really pissed I’ll call them. I’ll tell them what’s up and they will say “just remember, this is temporary. It’ll pass, just hang in there and know what you are feeling right now will not last forever, it will go away”,  it’s really good advice even though when your in it it eats at you, it hurts, it knaws, stomach churns, brain flies but you sit, you just sit and you just can’t do too much.

Summarize it, you want to summarize it, they want to summarize it? What is it? Depression?  Fuck you. And even if it did fall under that term fuck you again. Let’s get to the shit of WHY we are the way we are. Why do we feel the way we feel? Are we weak? Are we lost? Are we stronger than we think? Can it all be yeses across the board?  

Right now is a moment for me. I’m knee deep in the process of more shit than i could explain if I had a mic in a stadium with 40,000 and 10 hours to explain it… maybe that is what i want a mic with 40,000 to explain it all to. Maybe thats why im here typing a blog at 4:12 am. Maybe it’s because I want to say how I feel. Tell the stories, speak the fears, speak the losses, speak the shit a lot of people can’t fucking speak cuz they can’t fucking move! I’m lucky enough to be able to move my fingers to type this shit.

Am I depressed? I don’t know. Maybe a better question for myself is, where is it? And who is it? And why is it? And when did it start? And who is to really blame? And man, as I type all that shit i go through 50 billion thoughts that transcends through my ancestors to friends and family and people i love. But why we are the people we are and why we turned out as we did and why will we end up being what we end up being is branched into 2 categories….

What we were delivered in terms of being raised and family and habits.

Then secondly what do we have for strength to overcome the weaknesses? What do YOU have to overcome the strength of your weaknesses?

I’m hurt people. I’m hurt badly. But who’s fault is it? I can point and turn and bitch and moan and blame and yell and rage and raise fury over who the fuck upsets me or maybe who has hurt me or maybe who has wronged me.

But I aM mE (I.M.E.). And I am all I have. And I must get up from this fucking seat and fucking deliver what I am here to fucking deliver. In everyone’s life its different things. Some people deliver newspapers, some cars, some drugs, some clothes, some music. But whatever the fuck you do, no matter who has hurt you or continues to hurt you or will hurt you, just know that we only have this one mother fucking life. And are we gonna die, lay down and surrender? GOD knows I fucking want too!!!!!!!!!!!  But is that what we’re gonna do? Are we gonna give up? Or are we gonna get the fuck up and deliver whatever the fuck we’re here to deliver? Boxers deliver pain, maybe I should be a fucking boxer. Musicians deliver pain too, they just deliver it in a different way.

Have i said enough yet? I’m gonna sit and think and feel the pain and feel the loss and find a way to be me. Realize I’m only me.

Previously - I Have Seen The Future And It Sucks

forecast for the weekend… mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions & impaired judgment. increasing chance of regret & hangover for Sunday.